Dear Daddy, Is it me?

Dear Daddy,

Sometimes I wonder if the issues in my life are my fault. Maybe he started doing drugs because he was carrying the weight of the bills and expenses. Maybe it’s because I quit school and wasn’t happy with where I was. Maybe he started because I added too much stress.

I know blaming myself is the easy route to take. I’m not trying to be a victim. In fact, I usually have little sympathy for people that play the victim card. However, I can’t help but wonder why this all happened. My wonderful relationship is now a plague of unhappiness that I will have to constantly work on and devote therapy and attention to for the rest of me life.

Maybe it is me. I haven’t been happy with myself for so long. My weight, my work ethic, the fact that I’m not contributing financially. Maybe I’m finding a way to connect my lack of self worth to his, when they’re really not related in any way. Maybe I need to figure out me and my issues before I can figure out him and his issues.

On another note, I missed you a little extra yesterday. Most days are okay, but yesterday was different. I found myself not being able to watch certain tv shows or listen to certain songs on the radio. It all reminded me of you. My birthday is less than 2 months away, and the day after is the day I dread each year. It will be 5 years since you passed away. 5 years of uncertainty. 5 years of sadness. 5 years of having a huge gap left in my soul.

I love you, wherever you are.